A Piece of Funfetti Cake

Hello all, i know it has been so long since i updated my blog. the weeks before my exchange surgery i worked like crazy. the week before surgery i put in 84 hours between both of my jobs, i also worked mon and tues 12 hours shifts before my 630 am check in wednesday at the hospital. busy girl, sorry.

it is all over! i honestly cannot explain to you all how happy i am to be done for the moment praying everything heals well, and no infections it has only been 5 days since my exchange i will start from the day before.

day before exchange-
i didn't have to do any preop labs this time, it hasn't been 4 full months since my PBM and my plastic surgeon felt like i really didn't need them, the hospital called the day before 6/12 to go over when i had to stop eating and told me to shower with dial soap. I got off work around 730pm went to walmart with my mom to get a few groceries and dinner for my brothers. by the time we got home it was about 9pm i still had 2 hours before my food cut off time but me being me i layed on the couch and slept until my alarm went off at 5am, talk about being tired!

exchange day before OR-
up at 5, showered, put on pink hollister leggings and a grey tank top, i wanted to be comfy and i knew from before i could put this tank on from my feet. i got to pre-op and had the same pre-op nurse stephany as i had during my original surgery she remembered me and said she heard about all of my complications after surgery and assured me that dr rhee was not going to let that happen again (i wasn't too worried about it). when it was time for an IV she asked me where she got me last time and it was in my right AC, (fold of the arm) she also remembered that she had to poke me twice :( she went for one in the hand and sure enough she missed so she tried for the same one in the hand just a little higher and got it, i was very happy 3 pokes just wasn't my thing for that morning. after all of that my PS came back and did some drawing on me, and told me that i should plan to wake up with a Jp drain on the left, and possibly on the right. whoo hoo! -_- my mom and brothers came in sat for a while, the anesthesiologist came in to speak with us, mostly my mom because she wasn't happy with the last one that i had. dr rhee stopped by one last time to ask how i felt if when he got in that he put two different size implants in to make them even i didn't care either way. the anesthesia guy came back gave me a med in my IV as well as famotidine, since i take zantac for heartburn daily. then i got wheeled back to the OR, i fell asleep before i got there.

exchange day after OR-
I woke up and asked for the bed pan because i really really had to pee. it took forever to go and at one point the lady told me i really didn't have to go it just left like i did. i honestly think it took so long because i was still falling asleep on and off. i finally went and she said whoa i guess you did have to go, 400cc's :) i told her i had to! lol. the nurse asked if i was having pain and gave me .25ml of dilaudid, then about 15 minutes later another .25ml (my timing maybe off) when i woke up a little more i started poking around at my foobs just to make sure they were soft & squishy! and they are, then i asked the nurse if i had any Jp drains and he said yes one on both sides... bummer! but i had squishy foobs and i was happy, last i asked for my mom so i could get my phone... i am attached to that thing and really needed it! i told the nurse i didn't want any more dilaudid so he gave me some graham crackers and 2 percocet, it was so hard eating the crackers my mouth was very dry. my mom came back to see me for a second, i got my cell then i was told when i was ready the nurse would help me get dressed, me being me after she told me not to stand up i did it anyways because i didn't need help putting on my tank as long as i did it from the bottom, she yelled at me when she came in and saw me standing... oops. i got in the wheel chair and my leg wouldn't stop shaking, it was shaking hard they asked if i was cold and i wasn't, they gave me a blanket anyways it it stopped, before leaving dr rhee came to see me and told me to call his office everyday with my drain output and he maybe able to take them out before the weekend! that brightened my day.. 100+ degree weather in Arizona, how was i supposed to hide 1 drains in a tank top? lol. we stopped at Jamba juice, and the grocery store, my brothers and i stayed in the car while my mom went in. I wanted some watermelon. it took her forever, and one of my bothers spilled his entire smoothie on my back seat! and i was not in pain and turned around to help clean it up crazy how good i felt right after surgery. got home around 1230pm, only about 6 hours later so much better than my extended 5 day hospital stay in february. the rest of the day i sat in my recliner, had my mom make some tuna but i couldn't eat it my mouth was too dry and for some reason i was horribly nauseous. everytime i took a sip of anything i thought i was going to vomit. i decided it was safe to not have anything else for a while. i txtd for a while, updated and responded to FB messages and watched tv. my 2 coworkers said they would stop by after work i was pretty excited. visitors already. i got a phone call around 7ish and i spent about 30 mins on the phone when i got off my mom was asking me questions and i ignored her because i really felt like i was going to throw up.. i got up as quickly as possible from my recliner got in the bathroom and threw up everything i had put in my stomach during the day. talk about a horrible feeling. Justine and Tara K came over, we talked for a while on the couch, when they left i took a percocet, and went to bed. so after surgery i had half a mg of dilaudid, and 3 percocets. what a great day!

day after exchange-
thursday, i woke up, not feeling much pain at all except when i move around, sitting still i do not feel like i had surgery 24 hours ago. i had breakfast didn't feel like i needed to vomit anymore, i took a percocet because i didn't want to get uncomfortable. then around 11 my brothers were ready to go out to the pool, the high thurs was 104 i wanted to scream but they hadn't had a chance to show off their swimming skills so i agreed to go down and sit under the cabana, it was hot and after getting tired of watching them i put in my earphones, turned on adele, and fell asleep for about an hour (sweating) lol. back inside i had lunch, took a nap. stayed home the rest of the day. in the 24 hrs since surgery my left jp had 40cc out, the right had 20, my ps office told me to call and report to them tomorrow. took a percocet before bed.

friday 6/15-
feeling great! pain is very minimal, i honestly don't know if i feel like i had surgery 2 days ago. went to my ps around 1 this afternoon and he took both drains out! YAY! i took a percocet about an hr before because i already knew what to expect if he did pull them. i have to continue to wear the sports bra even tho it's killing me.

saturday 6/16-
shopping day with my mom the boys & my sister. no pain at all... i only got a a pair of TOMS i love  them striped and super cute! oh and i drove for the first time. it was nothing like the first time with expanders. this surgery honestly wasn't nearly as bad at the first. :)

the rest of the weekend was great nothing special my mom sister and the boys all went home on sunday.

wednesday 6/20-
1 week later! so most of this week i went out shopping, and went to lunch mon tues and today. i really feel regular. i could probably go back to work if i didn't have to lift/turn patients and be perfectly okay. my job doesn't accept light duty so home is where i stay :) saw my ps yesterday he is very pleased with the way that i look, he says i may be a little swollen, he asked if i was okay with my size or if i wanted to go bigger, i like the size i am. i think he is used to women coming in for augmentation and wanting to be as big as they can get. i am content with the size i am, i wish i could share what size i was but i am still wearing this tight surgical/sports bra it sure is a killer! hopefully next week i can take it off. he took off the dermabond (glue) and took out the stitch that was on both sides, then redid the dermabond. it smells really weird to me. i cant wait until it starts falling off and i can go swimming. i am still not allowed to sleep on my stomach :( i was sleeping on my stomach the last 3 weeks i had my expanders. he says another 3 weeks. he also said he doesn't want me going all out just because i feel good. i am still healing on the inside. i have had a little pain, mostly it is just a sharp shooting pain randomly, it makes me grab my foob, a little awkward when i am out or around ppl but oh well!

i am glad it is all over, well at least this part, and i pray that i do not need to have another surgery or get an infection. i will try to post more often as my healing is continued. my foobs are very squishy, i honestly don't know if they feel much different than my old ones did. but i am not sure because it has been almost 4 months since my boobs went away. I am completely happy about my choice, and i havn't had any days where i have been depressed or sad about having my fake boobs. they are great and they are healthy and that is all that matters!

i made my title because surgery was a piece of cake, and i have really been craving cake :)
i really thank everyone for all of the support i have gotten!

Keeping Busy...

The hardest thing about having a scheduled surgery weeks out is keeping busy. these past 7 weeks since scheduling have gone by oh so slow. i think my last post i was talking about going to vegas for the drake concert and mothers day. my sister and i went and had a great time, we ended up doing 2 mothers day dinners one on saturday and another on sunday. fun times.

today marks exactly 2 weeks till surgery day. yesterday i had my last appointment with my plastic surgeon before surgery he will be out of town next week, coming back june 12th just in time for my june 13th 730am surgery. i am getting extremely excited, not nervous at all. he said that he really likes the shape of my right foob, (not sure if i mentioned b4 but we have changed the name from boob to foob due to the fact that they are now 100% Fake) lol. anyways the shape of my right is perfect slopes down pretty natural nipple looks amazing, he will not have to do any altering on it. the left foob is a different story... its always been my "problem foob" it sticks out on the side towards my armpit a little too much it looks like hmm can't explain it, it just goes out to the side a little more so he will release some scar tissue on that side, and also the top of this one doesn't exactly slope nicely, it goes down like from my collar bone, then it has a little divet/dip then it slopes, he asked me to remind him right before surgery so he could take a look at it. having a drain depends on how much he has to do to the left side, he says i will not need one on the right, i am so praying that i do not need one on the left. drain free is the way to be! lol

getting dressed yesterday before my appointment i got a little upset, my scars look so nice right now, like really nice, and in 2 weeks they are going to look bad again with scabs and dermabond on them. I know its not the end of the world its just they are so great right now.

i have been sleeping on my stomach often, i heard that most cant sleep on their stomachs with the expander's, they are a bit "heavy" sometimes. about a week or 2 ago i was doing some kind of touchy feely thing with them and realized that i can pinch my skin now, before the skin was too tight to even move around but now i can pinch and push over the skin, its pretty cool... kinda weird tho lol. the things we become fascinated with.

i have been keeping myself busy with work, doing full time at the hospital and part time with my pediatric homecare client.  it has been going great besides the aftermath of a tornado in my apartment, my next off day will be june 10th, i work the 11th & 12th, so the 10th will be my clean up everything and get ready for mom to come :) hopefully it works out smoothly.

Blessed, & just really happy that i am almost done. thank you everyone for the support :)

counting down

i feel like it is taking a very long time for these 7 weeks to go by, it has been 2 weeks since i got my surgery date. i have been keeping myself busy by working as much as possible. 5 weeks till exchange! i have not had much pain these last few days, every once in a while at work i get a sharp or shooting pain. i have not been taking the pain medication during the day, sometimes on the night before i have to work i will take one to make sure i get enough rest, being at work for 12+ hours is still very hard after a MAJOR surgery. also the past few days i have had lots of itchiness, of course when i scratch it doesnt feel like i am doing a damn thing for it. before i thought that i had some sensation when i would touch i could feel it but i used a qtip to test and i was wrong, none... i think i read or heard that itching is good? itching doesn't feel good at all. its like that spot that never stops itching.. i am not sure. it isnt a big deal to me. i am honestly just ready to have this all behind me.

i was thinking that maybe i should have had my surgery in the winter time so that i could cover up my expanders with many layers, they do not look bad at all its just here in arizona early may we have already had many 90+ degree days. my right foob sits up higher than my left, so if i wear shirts that have spaghetti straps they just look really uneven. i guess i don't really care except i am going home (vegas) to a concert on friday night and i have no idea what to wear.

speaking of the concert... i am going with my sister. i meantioned her in my very first blog, but nothing since, and she has been begging to be featured in my blog this is for you sister! my sister Danielle is 20, she lives in northern arizona and she had her last final in her sophmore year of college today! very proud of you sister. we are a little over 4 years apart and when we were younger we did not get along very well, since we have gotten older, moved out of our parents house. she moved out in aug 2010 & i moved out sept 2010. we talk a few times a week if not more. she has not been tested for the BRCA2 gene mutation yet, but she says that she will at some point. she says she isn't going to do it while she is away at school because she doesn't want to be sad at school if she is positive... hopefully she doesn't wait too long i am sure we will talk about it again soon, maybe after i have my exchange. she is build different than i am, i meantioned that i was a very flat small super small 32A, my sister on the other hand is a big D or DD lol. i am sure she would go smaller if she went for the PBM... enough of the sister talk i hope you are happy sister!

back to the concert, i am driving to her apartment on friday, which is 2 hours away then we are driving home to our parents house 4 hours from her place, we will have all day to find something to wear and get to the concert that starts at 7pm, we are going to see Drake and a number of other "rappers" hoping for an amazing time. i just hope i find something to wear and possibly have a chance to take a nap at some point between getting to vegas shopping and the concert. if not i guess i will live i will be too excited to complain!

well, i really dont have anything more to say, i have to get up early to take the puppy to get neutered before he goes back to live with his other mother until after my exchange surgery, i will miss the little monster but it will only be for about 2 months, shared custody is pretty nice it would probably be a little easier if we lived in the same state... i am honestly hoping to find a job in vegas soon so i can be closer to a few very important people in my life. i guess i had a little more to say. :)

thank you to everyone who txts, calls, emails, facebooks me. bre, kimmie, kelley, stephy, jill, justine, lex, tara d. tara k there are so many. i appreciate everyone, also a special thanks to Christie she is a BRCA sister who found my blog, she had the same surgery exactly one week after me, it has been amazing to speak to someone who is going through the exact same thing at the same time! you are amazing christie and it is great to have someone to talk about things with, i feel everything you are feeling thank you for writing that first email!

good night, i hope everyone has a great week!

june 13th

it is so official! exchange surgery date June 13th! i am so excited, 7 weeks from today!

my exchange surgery will hopefully be my final surgery unless revisions are needed later on to fix any problems. my plastic surgeon will use part of the incision from before on both sides, take out the expanders (skin stretchers) and put in my implants. i have heard this surgery is way easier than my first one. i just pray that everyone is right!

yesterday i had my final "fill" i now have 510cc on the right and 525cc on the left. he says the small cc difference wont make a difference. so now i just wait... i really hope the time flys by. my right side hurts really bad right now, i didnt sleep last night. lucky i switched days at work, i was scheduled for today and ended up changing it to tomorrow, i also work friday. 12 hour shifts really sucks after not working for 7 weeks and being in pain. it wasnt too bad last week, i just feel myself getting really stiff after a few hours and i start walking weird. i alternate motrin and tylenol during the day when i am working, they help but, being on my feet often still makes it difficult.

on a 1-10 pain scale i am at about a 10 on my right side. it was filled with 60cc yesterday & when i was attempting to sleep last night i pushed myself up with my right arm and that may have affected it as well :( my left side was only filled with 30, i honestly do not think i am having any pain on that side right now. i am hoping that next week the pain wont be as bad.

I am gonna eat, and take meds and try to get a nap in.

LOVE ME !!!

i got this shirt from Kolhs a few weeks ago, it says "love me" on the front in huge letters! when i saw it i knew i needed it. just another positive thing in my life :) i recently got 4 new shirts v-necks, i am very comfortable in them, they look good with the size of my foobs. all of my tops and summer dresses are too small. i also cannot fit my two piece anymore, well the top lol.

this past tuesday i saw my PS to get filled. i am now 495cc on the left and 450cc on the right. i told him that i was pretty happy with the size, he had me stand in the mirror to point out a few things that he will "revise" during my exchange surgery. he also said if i stopped filling now then i may loose about a cup size, i decided to have one more fill which will be on the 24th, then i will be able to schedule my exchange. i am so happy. i feel like it is getting close even though i know i have about 7-10 weeks depending on when they can get me in. these expanders are becoming very annoying, they have always been annoying but it is getting worse. i am still very happy with my choice!

today is day 52 post surgery! seems like it has been longer. friday was my first day back at work i was really nervous, i have been pretty lazy since surgery to say the least. i was excited to see my co workers. they were amazingly helpful to me, i didn't need much help but when i did i asked i didn't want to over do it. 12 hour shifts are hard, especially after not having to be anywhere at a specific time, besides the airport & dr appointments. even though i would love to stay home longer i am glad to be back to work. oh just remembered... when I was getting dressed for work i could not put on my scrub top, i wear grey's anatomy scrubs and they are a little fitted under the boob area, which makes it hard to get on without lots of wiggling. i decided to just wear my long sleeve shirt and get help from my coworker Kelley when i got to work. it took us a couple of different tries but i got it on. thank you Kelley you are indeed a lifesaver, especially since you wore the same color as me yesterday (finally). i was so happy to get off work and get to bed that i did not think about the fact that i would have trouble taking the damn shirt off. i get home, walk the dog and spend and hour, a full hour trying to take the shirt off. i was almost in tears, being stuck is no fun. my mom advised me to just cut it off but i really could not bring myself to doing it. i ended up taking a break and trying one last time & got it off. i will make sure i ask for help before leaving work. its not that they are too small, if you have ever worn scrubs you know you have to arrange your arms a certain way, i don't know it's very hard to explain.

just wanted to update you all!!!  happy saturday night!!!

blessed opportunist

opportunist- one who takes advantage of any opportunity to achieve an end, often with no regard for principles or consequences.

so i was looking at the FORCE (facing our risk of cancer empowered) message boards, (ill get back to what FORCE is in another post. but anyways i was looking at them and ran across a post of someone speaking of psychological issues with BRCA diagnosis kinda... a responder spoke about how she took her BRCA positive diagnosis as a blessing or an opportunity to do something. i started thinking after reading this post and i feel the exact same way.

i took my BRCA status and did something about it. i wasn't forced to get rid of my boobs and get foobs. i had the choice. i wasn't waiting around to find a lump, get diagnosed with breast cancer and be forced to have a mastectomy. we all make choices, for ourselves, for our families, for our friends, i had a choice and i did what i felt was best for myself as well as my future.

so as you guys know i do not have kids, but i have always wanted them, always! after i found out my BRCA status i was kinda blAh about the entire having a baby situation mostly because i know i can pass this gene on 50/50 chance, and also because i will not be able to breastfeed :( being a nurse it was always something i knew or looked forward to. i have read post about individuals that avoid passing it on by going through a dr sorting out eggs, and what not. but i don't think i would wanna do that, if i didn't have the gene i wouldn't have had this opportunity. i am no where close to saying i hope i pass the gene on to my future kid(s) i am just saying that if there is a chance, i would like them to have the same opportunity as i did. to be able to choose. if i was not BRCA2+ i would have had a 7% chance of getting breast cancer just like everyone else in the world. and have no choice for real prevention. i have decided i want to have a baby, hopefully before i turn 30 :)

when i think back at my myself before my surgery my outlook on things has changed. not saying i was a big old negative nancy, i am just more positive. after surgery i stopped breathing my ass almost didn't make it lol, i know it's not funny but i am here i am so grateful to be here, yes it was all my choice to have surgery and if i didn't have the surgery it wouldn't have happened but, i could have also got hit by a car or died from a car accident. i just pray that my outlook continues to be positive, life is so short and there are only so many things we can try to avoid. right now being positive is all i can really be, i don't have time to be sad or worried about what others think about my FOOBS, they are mine and i am thankful to have the opportunity to decrease my chances of getting diagnosed with breast cancer.

just a few things

i know it has been a while since i posted something worth anything. i don't even have a real reason, it's not like i have been busy.

i guess i will do a quick update...

i went to the my plastic surgeon 3/27 when he first took a look he decided the right side was too tight so he wouldn't fill it. i was filled with 50cc on my left side, he then took of the remaining dermabond, which is the "glue" that was holding the incision together the left side looked great but, on the right there is a 1/2 inch section that is not all the way healed. it looks a little "raw" like my scab came off early. i was instructed to put antibiotic ointment on twice a day and cover it... no big deal, i've seen way worse open things at work lol. leaving i had 435cc on the left and 375cc on the right, talk about lop sided, it wasnt too bad because previously the right sat up a little closer to my collar bone and now the left does as well, so it was okay.

i went back in today 4/3 and he said that it looks way better, i couldnt tell because i have looked at it 14+ times in the past 7 days lol. he put 25cc in the right and asked if i wanted to wait to put more in the left so we can catch up a little. of course i happily agreed! so as of today i have 435cc on the left and 400cc on the right. not too bad!

the plan is to reach 500cc-535cc then 6 weeks after i get to that amount i will go back in for a second surgery to take my hard expanders out, and put in my new squishy gummy bear silicone implants! I CANNOT WAIT! lol. hopefully the surgery goes well, and i don't stop breathing and none of that other bad stuff happens. ;) hoping for june, but it is looking more like july. oh well! i am way beyond blessed.

tomorrow is 6 weeks post-op. time sure has flown by, especially seeing that i have just been sitting around. i was told last week that i could possible go back to work it is up to me. i am not sure i am ready to go. no scratch that i am ready to go back to work because i am bored i am not ready to spend 12 hour days with other people it has been so nice to have so much time to myself and do tons of nothing! i am considering going back to work next week, i still have not fully decided. i know i will have some help but, with others having their own patients i don't want to be stuck where i am waiting for someone elses help i guess we will just see. if i don't go back next week it will probably be the week after. or maybe the week after that lol.

well i think i am going to head to bed... just wanted to update since i have dragged it out for so long.

[a positive attitude brings strength, energy and initiative.]

icant

I am doing a very bad job keeping up with blogging. I think everytime I go to my moms I get really distracted, not that I am doing anything important. Playing with my brothers, eating, shopping. I had a pretty good week, nothing exciting.

Since my last post I am feeling so much better, I can completely lift my arms :) it really feels great.

& I just decided that I am not in the mood to write. :/

gloomy saturday

So, I just finished reading the first book of The Hunger Games Trilogy. It has taken me a while because I was taking pain medication around the clock before and I haven't needed to do that lately. It was a really easy read. I got up around 8 this morning, and it is now 315, I have been reading since I opened my eyes, besides going to brush my teeth, 2 potty breaks, and a quick break to warm up a few pieces of left over pizza, back to my recliner to read more. I honestly had no idea what the book was about, besides the commercial for the movie "let the hunger games begin!!!" Very good book, made me a little jumpy when my refrigerator makes a noise or a neighbor slams a door. I am excited to go see the movie next week when it comes out.

Last night was the first night I was able to recline in my recliner since Monday night. After that fill on Tuesday the skin in between my foobs is very tight and it was just way to uncomfortable to lay on my back. I feel very rested. I actually drove yesterday, to chipotle and dairy queen, I was craving and tired of depending on others (I've been tired of that since day 1). It wasn't too bad my arms are still pretty stiff, This wasn't the first time, I drove myself to my fill appointment on 3/6 which was really hard. I never realized how many things I take for granted, just little things, like putting my hair up in a pony, washing my back in the shower, shaving under my arms. All of those things are so challenging now. Yes I can lift my arms but only to where my elbow is at a 90 degree angle, who shaves like that? I have been wearing my hair the same since surgery, stretchy headband with a loose ponytail. *shrugs* it works. I can do it myself if I sit on the floor and put my elbows on my knees its not perfect but, it is getting better.

I can get through the day with taking a few motrin, at night I revert to a Valium if the muscle spasms are pretty bad, my plastic surgeon wants me to use the Valium before the percocet, he feels some of my issue is a little anxiety, which I agree.

I was sitting here this morning, my apartment is pretty dark, its gloomy outside, supposed to rain today and tomorrow. I could get up and open my blinds but id rather not, at least not right now. Anyways I was sitting here earlier, feeling my left foob (weird I know) the left one is the weird one with the bulge where you can feel the edge of the expander "poking" out, I was just thinking back at how fast all of this happened, me getting my blood drawn in December, getting results in January, having surgery in February. Now is is march I am 28 days post surgery, feeling pretty good about things, but wondering when will it be over, I have no doubt that I will be happy with my final results, but I feel like now I am playing this waiting game. I knew what I was getting into, these rock hard boobs I will have to deal with till at least sometime in June. I just hope that June decides to make his/her way here quickly!

Anyways, I just wanted to get on to say a little something I guess. I am going to stay in my recliner for the rest of the day, catch up on a few recorded shows, finish up my homework assignment that is due tomorrow (don't think I mentioned before I am in school for my BSN), and possibly start the second book of The Hunger Games. I hope everyone has a Blessed Saturday!

3weeks

So I have been a little busy, I was hoping to post more often, maybe twice a week will try harder this week because I have way too many things to talk about. My last post was after my first fill 9 days ago. Since then I have gone to Vegas to visit family & friends, and had fill #2. So I guess I should start with my Vegas trip.

My mom and sister, and brothers were here with me for the 5 days I was in the hospital, and the 4 days after I got home. I decided that I would be okay being alone for a bit, but would visit soon. Stayed home for a week alone, (it got old) FAST! so last Thursday I went Vegas. My coworker/friend Kelley escorted me through security, she also carried my bag all the way to the gate! gotta love friends like her. I was allowed to board the plane right after the 4 people in wheel chairs, and a guy carried my bag on the plane, I am sure everyone was staring at me like there is nothing wrong with this girl for people to be doing things for her, but I really did not care. Flight wasn't too bad, I slept, I got a little nervous right before landing so I held on to my foobs. Thank you again Kelley, love you!

Still having trouble, sniffling, blowing my nose, laughing, coughing, sneezing, umm walking fast, standing up straight (my posture was bad to start) that may be it. Well my mom really wanted to see the adam sandler movie Jack & Jill, I have no idea why I didnt think about laughing when we rented it but it was a really really really bad idea! LAUGHING HURTS! Its a weird hurt, like a burning on fire hurt. 10 mins into the movie (when they were @ the dinner table) my mom advises me to take 2 percocets, which I hadn't done since I was in the hospital, I ended up attempting to take the pills and spitting water and the pills all over the couch pillow and my pj pants! but, I felt so much better! I was talking non-stop, moving around, it gave me so much energy and I was pretty much pain free. Nice feeling, great movie!

The rest of the weekend nothing big happened, went to lunch, got a mani and a pedi, had krispy kremes (i had been craving a doughnut), oh and I got to see the puppy Breyanna & I share 6 month old 3lb yorkie, his name is Munchie, such a sweet baby. I also played super mario bro's with my younger brothers on the Wii a few times, I wasnt able to play when they were @ my house because I was sleep from the meds after my hospital stay. The weekend went well, ended fast because of my fill appointment tuesday.

3 days after my first fill I stopped taking the percocet and was doing well with just tylenol and motrin, alternating. I like not feeling so sleepy. I went to get filled @ 4pm, Kelley convinced me to premedicate, so I took a percocet. When I got there and got undressed I noticed that the dermabond (super glue for my incision) has peeled from my left nipple, not like the areola part but just the nipple part and it is pink, which isnt "normal" in darker skinned women. Got a little scared, but my plastic surgeon said it is just hypopigmintation, it could change back, but if not it can easily be tattood the correct color. I am not too worried about it. I am healthy blessed, and indeed alive! I find it hard to complain about things after everything that happened after surgery. Just got way off topic back to the appointment. My right side looks perfect, he feels when it is time for the exchange (taking out the tissue expanders and putting in the implants) he will only have to use part of the original incision, and just switch out. The left side had a dent at the bottom, it dips in then is round again... i have no clue how else to explain, but he said he has to fix the bottom to "hike" it up a bit and get rid of that fold. Also on the left there is some scar tissue that will need to be removed close to my armpit. He was only able to put 35cc on the right & 45cc on the left which puts me at 375cc on the right and 385cc on the left. My fills will have to be small and slow because my skin isn't stretching very fast. We will be skipping next tuesdays fill so my next will not be until 3/27.

Ugh tuesday night after my fill was the worst night I have had since I have been home. I slept maybe 3 hours. I got in my recliner and I could not recline in it, my chest was way too tight and I was just not able to do it, so I sat up, I took motrin and a Valium (to relax the muscle & myself). I slept for 2 hours, got up took a percocet, then slept on and off until about 7am. I took a another percocet just because when I am in one spot for too long I get really stiff, and it is hard to move. The rest of the day I was just really sleepy, but I manged to do a few things around the house. I only took motrin today, I am not having much pain, 22 days after surgery, just discomfort. The expanders are just not comfortable at all. I wish I could sleep on my stomach or side or in my bed even, I'm complaining huh? sorry. anyways, I decided I would probably stay off work for 8-12 weeks, originally it was 4-6 but, me being an ICU nurse and my job not being able to compensate "light duty" I think 6 weeks is too early, and next week is already week 4. So who knows, I will just play it by ear. I don't mind being off work.

Well, it is late hopefully I can get sleep tonight. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. You guys don't even know how blessed I feel. Good night! hope everyone has a great week!

2 weeks!

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my surgery date! time sure is flying when you are having fun sitting on the recliner! ;) I had an appointment with my plastic surgeon Dr Rhee today he is the best, and I love everyone that works in his office! He took out my remaining 2 drains! FINALLY they were really getting on my nerves being pinned to my pants, and not being able to be fully covered by my shirts. So I drove myself to my appointment today, I called to be sure it was okay & as long as I hadn't had any pain meds and I felt I could react quickly enough then it was safe. So I jumped in the shower & headed there, it took a while to get there, I took the streets just to be careful. So I got there & he took my two drains out then told me he was going to "fill me up" I got really nervous, only because I had only taken tylenol and in order to fill my expander (the deflated implant that's in) a needle is stuck through my skin into a port and the saline in injected. At the time of surgery 300cc was put in, and told he put 40cc in each. I feel pretty big, but you have to remember I was only a 32A before surgery. I didn't feel when the needle was pushed in, the nerves in my boobies are all messed up. I can feel some things but most of the time I cant feel anything. After my fill I was planning on stopping at CVS to get my prescription filled for more percocet, but the pain in my arm arm started to get too bad so I just came right home. Had some lunch, took some meds and went down for a nap. gosh that sounds like a 2 year old lol. when I woke up I couldn't move my right arm, I got a little emotional, I'm sure has something to do with a nerve or maybe it just hurts too bad and I know this so I don't want to move it but I really was sad about not being able to move my stupid arm. this is really the first time that I was upset about the surgery. I think I was also upset because I drove myself to my appointment, I admit I didn't try super hard to find a ride, but It is so over whelming to ask ppl for help, to depend on people, I moved to Arizona almost 2 years ago, I packed up my bedroom from my parents house into my little scion and drove here, alone. I am very independent. and to get to a point where I cant drive, cant do laundry, and even put my hair in a pony! its horrible, stressful, kinda embarrassing, I know ppl understand that I cant do things and I have a reason its not that I do not want to I just cant do it! so I am grateful for the help that I do get and I hope my friends don't get offended by me not asking for help or turning down help. i love you guys and am very thankful to have help. my skin is stretching, and it feels so weird. its like peely scaly, I wish you could feel it. its so weird. oh & now that my drains are out I can take a shower whenever I want to! its hard to scrub tho, like my arms are too weak to reach over to the other arm and wash it. originally it was planned I would be off work 4-6 weeks, now talking to a dr at work, and a few others it may be best if I take more time off, maybe 8-12 weeks. I will be so bored but, I would much rather be bored than get an infection, or hurt myself by going back to work too soon! So far everything is looking good, I have no regrets, some pain but i can live with it. I am going to visit my parents and brothers this week, I need a break out of my apartment for a few days. & everyone back home will be able to come visit. the plane ride is only about 45 mins, and I wont take any clothes (cant carry a bag) my mom said she would just buy me a few outfits when I got there. I mostly hang out in yoga pants, sweats, and tank tops. The weather is warming up it was 88 on Sunday indeed flip flop weather :) LOVE IT! OUCH! i just hiccuped and it was not a nice feeling, I also hold back my yawns, sneezes, burps, and laughs as much as possible because those hurt too. Saturday I went to the movies, saw the new Tyler Perry movie good deeds. thank you again nikki for picking me up, treating me, and carrying my popcorn! it was a great outing! well I really don't have much else to say. questions, comments, concerns, please feel free to ask. I am trying my hardest to be an open book :) thoughts and prayers are still so greatly appreciated! Beyond Blessed!

God Got It!

I feel so selfish complaining right now but I have to just for a second. I really hate not being able to drive, I hate depending on others, I hate not being able to get my own shirt on. It all really sucks! As I have said multiple times, I am blessed and I should have no worries! "god got it" -MyLove

Enough of the cry baby complaints. my last few days have been very eventful. I think I last left off on Tuesday, my visit with my PS and got my drains out and all that great stuff. Well Wednesday my mom & brothers left so glad they were here besides the fact that I am used to being in my apartment alone. I had an appointment with my general surgeon, and he agreed that things looked great, and healing is going well. My pathology report was back which is Thea report of breast tissue removed during the surgery is sent to a pathologist. The pathologist is the physician who looks at the tissue under a microscope and determines whether or not the cells contain cancer. So my report was negative for cancer *exhales loudly* but, (there is always a but) it was positive for calcifications. Breast calcifications are small calcium deposits that can be benign (noncancerous) or they can be precancerous. Either way all the tissue is gone now. My general wanted me to go see the pulmonary dr I saw when I was in the ICU because I have still been very out of breath called, made an appointment with him for a few hrs later, felt bad that my coworker Kelley drove me around everywhere, love her! I get there and he wants me to go to the ER UGH! so tired of hospitals, I decided to go to the one I work at (faster service) the moment the ER doc saw my heart rate which was 123's-130's he said he was admitting me! :( I just spent 5 days in the hospital. They wanted to rule out me having a Pulmonary Embolism (PE) which is basically a blood cloth that travels to the lung. I did an EKG, CT Chest Angio, a Chest Xray, and everything was negative! :) so I got to go home. I am trying really hard not to use medical terms and explain them when I do but, it is really hard for me to do.

Overall I am pretty much in a great mood. A little bored out of my mind, that can be fixed by lots of naps, texting, reading others blogs, downloading books on my kindle fire, watching tv, doing homework. lol. I have so many things I could be doing right now and none of them sound good at all I think I am tired but I do not want to go to sleep because I sleep on my side fetal position and right now the only way I can sleep without pain is on my back in the recliner. I guess I will figure something out just wanted to update everyone :) oh & just FYI this is my blog, my spot, and I could care less about my spelling errors or incorrect sentence structure. :) thoughts & prayers!

1st PS visit

So today was my 1st visit to my plastic surgeon (PS). He took out 2 of my 4 JP drains one from each side, it didn't hurt at all, but I did take a percocet and a valium 2 hours before my appointment. I am now also allowed to take a shower, but I have to go straight to his office after to get my dressings changed. So tomorrow morning I WILL shower :) lol. my pain has been controlled pretty well taking just with a percocet every few hours is doing good for me. I go see my general surgeon on thursday. Next week will be my first fill... I ended up with 300cc of saline in my expanders when I woke up. crazy waking up with bigger foobs then the boobs I went in with. They are pretty numb and they feel kinda odd when I touch them but they are cancer free and right now I am loving them, cant wait for the final results. Ugh clothes to wear! so I  live in Arizona and the past few days it has been like 81-84 degrees out! now if it were winter I would just throw on a zip up hoodie and call it a day, but since it is not I need button up shirts, short sleeve. I went to the mall today and in every single store all I can find are plaid shirts, I tried a few on & a feel like a farmer :/ so wth do I do... Frustrating as hell. but I guess I will figure it out. hopefully when I can get out of this weird looking sports bra in a few weeks I can wear better shirts. My other problem is that I cannot lift my arms to put my shirt on so I put on tank tops thru my legs lol, my PS giggled at me today when I was putting my shirt back on. I have to admit it is a little funny. hmmm what else, oh I have been sleeping in my recliner since I got home, It works pretty good for me sometimes I have a hard time getting out of it tho and I have to eject myself out. lol. ohhh the spasms, okay so my implants well expanders are behind my pectoralis major muscle, so that muscle is being stretched, and just like when you run or do any other excersise it spasms, and my right foob spasms so much! I think the spasming is worse than the pain. laughing, yawning, coughing, and sneezing are all very painful. & grabbing the foobs does not help the pain. lol. But as I said before I am BEYOND BLESSED! I just want to say thank you to my best friend in the world Breyanna, for always being here for me throughout this entire situation and beyond. My coworkers, who came to visit Kelley, Beth, Paul, Tara, Jill, Netta, Marisa, I have left out so many names, Carly, Billy, Colbie, the list goes on I am sorry I will put more names throughout my journey, and also to all my friends family and coworkers who have left me lovely comments on FB and through text messages! I love you all dearly! and you all have a place in my heart! I put this kelley clarkson song on this blog, Stronger "what doesn't kill you" for obvious reasons :) Thoughts and Prayers are always welcome!!!! :)

long story

So it's been a little over a week since my last post, and it is completely safe to say what I went into surgery for Nipple Sparing Mastectomy, with reconstuction went perfect! my "foobs" look a little strange with the scar and all but I love the fact that I can get up everyday and not think about that awful 84% of getting cancer! Guess I will go on about the day of surgery, preop, operating room, PACU, ICU, and the medical floor... Yes I did all of that. I was also in the hospital from Wednesday-Sunday night. Crazy adventure, but here it is. Got to preop, nurse had a hard time finding a vein for an IV I apparently have "baby viens" the entire 3 hours in preop I sat around txtn mt few close friends, family, and co workers. My mom and younger brothers sat in the room with me. Both my plastic surgeon and general came by to see me and go over last minute talks. I was not nervous at all just ready for it to be done. :) Anesthesia came in and of course me being a nurse I asked him step by step what his plan for putting/keeping me asleep was going to be. Right before it was time to go he came in to give me Fentynl and after that point I don't even remember being wheeled out of that room. From what I was told my general surgeon who did the mastectomy took about 2 hours, when his part was done my plastic surgeon came in and took about 3 hours, Everything was GREAT! this next portion is where my life went down the toilet bowl, as some ICU nurses refer to patients going down hill. lol not funny but I gotta find humor in all of this some how some way! So I was extubated (breathing tube taken out) then wheeled to post op (PACU) I am unsure if I was not hooked up to a monitor or if someone wasn't paying attention or what, but I do know that when someone finally noticed my oxygen saturation was in the 60% and after that it was unreadable... normally in healthy people it should be 90-100%. After the 60% it was no longer readable, sooooo I guess we can say Kionte was indeed NOT breathing!!! They put a quick oral airway in me, and proceeded to bag me... or do CPR whatever you wanna refer to it as. My blood pressure was probably nothing/nothing so they filled me with tons of fluid. Then I came back... my mom asked if I saw the light but I didnt, or I dont remember seeing it. Flooding me with fluids was the best thing they could have done but I went into negative pressure pulmonary edema, all the fluid I had gotten went into my lungs, which again caused me to not be able to breathe! WONDERFUL progress right? ;) sooo after putting my cathether back in whihc I was not happy about they began giving me a diuretic called lasix to pull all of the excess fluid out. I got admitted into ICU and went to the medical floor on friday. My first nurse was terrible but who cares. By saturday I was being discharged by both my plastic, general, and hospitalist, until my nurse decided to check my pupils.... the were completely unequal, and no one knows how long they had been that way because for 4 days noone thought it was important to look at them. I had to have a neurologist consult at this point, he wanted CT angio to look at my blood vessels in my neck and head, and an MRI, well I can't have an MRI because of the metal in my expanders which no1 thought was a good idea to call him on saturday and let him know so I sat in my bed for another day. Got discharged on Sunday evening around 6pm. :) best feeling in the world! I had a pretty tramatic surgery experience but I am BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE! I AM ALIVE I am for the most part healthy, my risk for breast cancer is amazingly decreased, and I am happy with my choice.

three days

"A previvor is a survivor of a predisposition to cancer. The term specifically applies to the portion of our community that has its own needs and concerns separate from the general population, and different from those already diagnosed with cancer."

I honestly have NO clue how this is going to turn out, or what is going to come out during this journey. I do know that I have tons to say. This is me, at my lowest. All I ask is that if you are reading this, try to take a short walk in my shoes. I guess I should start with a short Intro, I'm Kionte (key-on-tay) yes, "like the wine" lol. I am 24, a RN, & BRCA 2 positive. BRCA 2 is a gene, a tumor suppressor gene my BRCA 2 gene is "messed up" which puts my chance of getting breast cancer (BC) @ somewhere around 84% and ovarian cancer around 27%... The people with a not "messed up" gene have a 7% chance! I don't wanna go too much into my family because this is ultimately about me but I will say my grandmother had breast cancer that reoccurred on the opposite side, and my aunt found her breast cancer @ 31 years old, she is also BRCA 2 positive, as well as my mom. I got my test results about a month ago, and I already knew what I wanted to do about it. In 3 days I am having a nipple sparing prophylactic bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. In other words, they are taking all of the tissue out of my breast and putting implants instead. If that makes sense??? I know that some people don't understand why I am making such a "drastic" decision at such a "young" age but this is me MY life MY choice... I saw something when I was looking up BC stuff and it said something to the affect of "you wouldn't run in the middle of the street if you had an 84% chance of getting hit by a car" :)

So here I am sitting on my couch 3 days before surgery, pretty dang sad. Just to put it out there I am not sad because I am loosing my boobs, they are super small anyways... lol but I am sad because I had to make this choice. Okay maybe scratch that, I don't have to have this surgery, I could wait & have extra screening but that just wasn't an option for me. I didn't want to wake up everyday (like I have for the past month) and think about getting BC. IT SUCKS! I promise it does! Today at work we had a "kionte's pre surgery celebration extravaganza" my coworkers got me a red velvet cake, and famous daves BBQ for lunch! ohhhh how I love them! Such a bittersweet day!

It took me no time to find my plastic surgeon (PS), as I asked a general surgeon at my job and she knew just the one! So last Tuesday 2/14 I met with him, then later that day I went and met with a general surgeon, both were so personal, and sat down and asked me about what I was looking for, what I wanted my new ones to look like and how soon I wanted this done. I was hoping for an end of March 1st of April date but  2/22 came up, and it was either 2/22 or 3/27. I figured the sooner the better! Plus my younger sister was born 2/22/92 and my date is 2/22/12 kinda perfect right?

My plan is to write as often as possible and be as open as ever! I am sure I will have some bad days but, I will try to be as positive as possible with the help of my family, friends, coworkers, and other previvors. I have read so many blogs, and I every single one has touched me in some way, I just hope I can do the same.